Friday, April 4, 2014

Hope

HOPE
hōp/
noun
1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen

2. a feeling of trust.

verb
1. want something to happen or be the case.
 
 
Tonight I started to cry for reasons that I couldn't explain. Other than confusing my husband, they served no purpose besides release. I think it was a frustrated cry, an overwhelmed cry, a things-aren't-working-out-the-way-I-planned-and-that's-really-hard cry.

I started feeling that familiar feeling of sadness and sinking into a desperation feeling, a no way out feeling, that I've been so used to feeling for such a long period in my life, and while I was nervously examining the emotions, I realized something was different.

So, so many time I have laid in my bed, crying tears, feeling lost, misunderstood, like there wasn't hope- and that's when it hit me. Hope. I don't feel like there's no hope.

There has been such a huge dramatic change in my life in the past year and a half, that I can't fully put it into words (which is almost frustrating for me being a writer..). I used to never see an end to the tears. I thought they were going to last forever. Honestly, I know that sounds like I'm exaggerating. But I never had hope.

And now, now I do. Now it's not even a question. Now I know that the tears will dry, that tomorrow the sun will shine, that eventually spring will come. Now I know that I never have to worry about being hopeless ever again.

See, for 16 years I struggled with a depilating depression. For 16 years I have been on medications and seen therapists, and been in hospitals. For 16 years I have let people down, made poor choices, didn't reach for anything that seemed out of my grasp. For 16 years I was a disappointment- mainly to myself.

One day I woke up, and I was ok. I woke up and didn't feel like I needed to take my medication that day. One day I woke up and I smiled, I saw a little light in the darkness. One day I didn't cry.

Now before I continue, I want to add that I sound like I've had this horrible life with no one who loved me and no one that I could lean on. That's not true. I have great parents, who were praying for me every day. Helping out whenever I called, and holding my hand whenever I would let them. I have a great husband, who continually picked up the slack when I couldn't do it. Who loved me more then I probably deserved, and who never thought that maybe he made a mistake marrying me. I am so blessed to have great children who call me mom.  I don't have the ability to explain what that word does to my heart. I had a great friend, Jennifer, who never backed down or away when it got hard, or messy, or complicated.

But y'know what else I had? Deep down, under all that blackness and hopelessness, way down there, I had forgotten that I had a Jesus who loves me. Luckily for me, He hadn't forgotten. For 18 months now, I've been healed of my depression. Just like that. He took it all away and He gave me hope.
Very quickly after that, He gave me a calling. Yup. Me. The girl with tattoos, the girl with a past full of mistakes and screw ups, He wants to use me.

He called me into ministry, and I answered that call as quickly as I could. I have never been so honored in my life. I believe God allowed my fight with depression, a fight that I almost lost several times, to happen so that I can come out the other side, refined, and able to relate to other peoples circumstances. God has big plans for this girl! He wants to use me. And I know he wants to use you too.

15 comments:

  1. What a beautiful reminder! Even on the darkest days, we can always hold onto hope to carry us through to the other side of struggle:) So happy your hope moved you to this place and brought you into my life:)

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    1. Thank you for being a part of my life! I feel honored to call you friend!

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing your hope!!!

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    1. Thank you for reading!! It means so much to me!

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  3. I’m convinced that sometimes we go through tests, trials, and hardship not because we’ve done something wrong or because God is punishing us. Rather, sometimes we are being trained for an opportunity to share God’s love in a personal way to someone who wouldn’t be able to hear it unless we can say that we’ve been there, too. Jesus understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do (Hebrews 4:15), so it makes sense that God would make us strong for each other, too. Your testimony is touching and personal. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth, my friend. Yes. Exactly. Thank you so much for reading.
      You broutgh tears to my eyes, happy ones :)

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  4. I suffer from chronic depression. I was crying all day for me reason! I take 2 medications everyday for anxiety and depression. I wish I didn't have to. The only thing that gets me out of bed most days is my daughter. If not for her, I'd stay in my "rabbit hole". Thank you for sharing this! You give me hope! I love you blog and your posts!

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    1. Thank you for reading my friend! I'm so glad that you got something to hold on to out of this! I promise you that Jesus loves you, cry out to Him!
      <3

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  5. I take an antidepressant daily. (It's actually for depression & anxiety. ) If I go off of it, I get goofed up all over again. I finally decided on my own that a diabetic doesn't stop taking their meds when they feel okay, so I should just keep taking mine when I feel better. I also wanted to let you know that reading your posts on FB & reading your blog here puts a smile on my face! :) Keep up the good work girl! Luv Ya! ♡

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    1. Thank you darlin! I love you too!! Truly! I'm so blessed to have people like you who follow this blog! <3

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  6. Amazing words.Sometimes it takes a total stranger to put things in perspective and make a person realize that there is always hope, some days, that may be all you have.But as long as there is hope, we can make it through the rough times.

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    1. Yes! And don't be a stranger anymore, I'm so glad you found MNAL!

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  7. Did you get a chance to see I nominated you for the liebster award http://receandmom.blogspot.ca/2014/04/leibster-awards.htm

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