Hope

HOPE

hōp/

noun

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen

2. a feeling of trust.

verb
1. want something to happen or be the case.
 

 

Tonight I started to cry for reasons that I couldn't explain. Other than confusing my husband, they served no purpose besides release. I think it was a frustrated cry, an overwhelmed cry, a things-aren't-working-out-the-way-I-planned-and-that's-really-hard cry.

I started feeling that familiar feeling of sadness and sinking into a desperation feeling, a no way out feeling, that I've been so used to feeling for such a long period in my life, and while I was nervously examining the emotions, I realized something was different.

So, so many time I have laid in my bed, crying tears, feeling lost, misunderstood, like there wasn't hope- and that's when it hit me. Hope. I don't feel like there's no hope.

There has been such a huge dramatic change in my life in the past year and a half, that I can't fully put it into words (which is almost frustrating for me being a writer..). I used to never see an end to the tears. I thought they were going to last forever. Honestly, I know that sounds like I'm exaggerating. But I never had hope.

And now, now I do. Now it's not even a question. Now I know that the tears will dry, that tomorrow the sun will shine, that eventually spring will come. Now I know that I never have to worry about being hopeless ever again.

See, for 16 years I struggled with a depilating depression. For 16 years I have been on medications and seen therapists, and been in hospitals. For 16 years I have let people down, made poor choices, didn't reach for anything that seemed out of my grasp. For 16 years I was a disappointment- mainly to myself.

One day I woke up, and I was ok. I woke up and didn't feel like I needed to take my medication that day. One day I woke up and I smiled, I saw a little light in the darkness. One day I didn't cry.

Now before I continue, I want to add that I sound like I've had this horrible life with no one who loved me and no one that I could lean on. That's not true. I have great parents, who were praying for me every day. Helping out whenever I called, and holding my hand whenever I would let them. I have a great husband, who continually picked up the slack when I couldn't do it. Who loved me more then I probably deserved, and who never thought that maybe he made a mistake marrying me. I am so blessed to have great children who call me mom.  I don't have the ability to explain what that word does to my heart. I had a great friend, Jennifer, who never backed down or away when it got hard, or messy, or complicated.

But y'know what else I had? Deep down, under all that blackness and hopelessness, way down there, I had forgotten that I had a Jesus who loves me. Luckily for me, He hadn't forgotten. For 18 months now, I've been healed of my depression. Just like that. He took it all away and He gave me hope.

Very quickly after that, He gave me a calling. Yup. Me. The girl with tattoos, the girl with a past full of mistakes and screw ups, He wants to use me.

He called me into ministry, and I answered that call as quickly as I could. I have never been so honored in my life. I believe God allowed my fight with depression, a fight that I almost lost several times, to happen so that I can come out the other side, refined, and able to relate to other peoples circumstances. God has big plans for this girl! He wants to use me. And I know he wants to use you too.

Decide For Yourself

As children we believe what our parents tell us. They teach us right from wrong, they instill their values into us, and most often, we believe what they believe.
But I wonder if we keep that trait as adults. If we blindly believe what other people say to us, taking their opinions as fact.

Throughout my years as an adult, I've fallen so often into the trap of believing things about another person just because a friend shares their opinion with me. Automatically siding with them, or agreeing that they are indeed the "worst" or "best", depending on how my friend thought of them.
Finding out later on that I've missed out on friendships because I was misinformed, or didn't have all the information, or was simply not willing to find out for myself, was a real metaphorical kick to the stomach.

Disappointment.

On the playground little girls (or boys) stand together in groups and whisper, and giggle, and other kids join in without any of the information just so they wont be "next".

In more adult relationships, we listen to what our friends closest to us have to say about people and make judgments, sometimes without ever having had a conversation with those people!

What opportunities have been lost! What friendships, what enriching conversations, co-family dinners, our kids being best friends, and on and on and on, have we missed out on because we didn't take the time to decide for ourselves?

I look around at people that I've held at arms length because I've made a decision about them based on what I've heard from someone else. And I'm sad. Sad because I'll never know if I'm missing out on something truly amazing.

So, from now on, I'm vowing to make my own decisions. And I'm challenging you to do the same.
Who's with me?!?!